Bleeding. <groan> It's not how I intended today to go. I'd been cautiously optimistic that everything with this pregnancy would go fine, that my bizarre gush of blood was the end of red.
I woke up to another gush.
I had the HCG test already scheduled, so we headed into the city. My light cramps were still there, only negated by the low-dose aspirin I'm taking as part of the fertility treatment.
The phlebotomist nearly killed my arm, and decided that one puncture wound on the right just wasn't enough. She missed the vein and had to puncture the left as well.
Have I mentioned that I really don't like this phlebotomist's blood-drawing touch?
I spoke to the nurse about my concerns over the bleeding, and they agreed that a Rhogam shot to combat my Rh-negative blood was the best option. Unfortunately, as a blood product, Rhogam shots are only maintained at the blood bank at Women's Hospital.
We drove over to Women's. By this point, my husband had called in late for work and Bug wasn't happy at having been woken up so darn early. Yesterday was spring ahead.
We got to Women's, and I was bleeding. Not just a little spotting, nor a gush. Full-on, period-like bleeding. Heavy at times, some clotting, all that jazz.
I was in tears by the time we got back to Olive for the Rhogam shot. Not because of the shot...and anyway, after my blood draw puncture wounds, an intra-muscular injection is nothing.
Because of the pregnancy I was losing, the child I would never meet. We spoke at length to Alyson to see where we'd go, and set up a follow-up appointment with Dr. Yuzpe to figure out where to go from here. At the very least, Alyson assured me that she'd call with today's HCG results.
I went home and cried. I called my mom, and we cried together. She can relate; she went through a 2nd trimester miscarriage when I was 7. The difference was that she didn't need fertility treatment to get pregnant. Nonetheless, the pain and sense of loss are the same.
I realized just how darn lonely I feel. How moving to a new place while transitioning to be a stay-at-home mom was not a good antidote for loneliness and confidence. How I want to be able to call up friends to share it, but realize that many of my friendships here are too precious and new...and how everyone is so busy with their own lives, I'm scared of troubling them with my own sadness. I feel so damn alone.
I consoled myself with a soda, chips and a Subway Club from the local Subway. It was my favourite type of sandwich growing up. I can't remember the last time I had one. Cold cuts are a no-no in pregnancy. I gave up soda last year, except for once in a blue moon. The last time I remember having one? The morning after I learned that my IVF cycle failed. I haven't dreamed of touching chips since I started this FET cycle; too many carbs for a pre-diabetic girl.
The food didn't taste very good. Even though I'd skipped breakfast and lunch by this point.
Alyson called with the results as Ben's sitter was getting ready to leave. I already knew the results, so figured I should steel myself for the reality of a lost pregnancy.
HCG 24 days post ovulation: 15,868
Huh?
Not quite doubling in the 60 hours since my last test, but pretty darn close. It should be doubling every 4 days now, after doubling every 2-3 days the first few weeks.
I'm still pregnant. The bleeding is subsiding, but still there. Alyson said that she's never had a patient with still doubling HCG numbers who is also bleeding heavily. As for now, the only thing they can say is that I'm currently pregnant.
I go back Wednesday for my next HCG blood draw. Steeling myself for bad news after that appointment...even though I've been told to be cautiously optimistic.
It's tough. I've shed too many tears today.
Bug is asking for his hair to be put into a ponytail. Life with a toddler goes on, miscarriage or not.
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