An update

I randomly remembered this blog tonight, as the kids and I enjoyed Kraft dinner.  Somehow the subject of babies came up, and it seemed like as good of a time as any to tell Bug how special his journey into the world really was.

I stumbled across my page and am fascinated by seeing the updates.  In some ways, it's hard to remember the journey - the fears, the apprehension, the anxieties and uncertainty over what was to come.

It all passes in a heartbeat.

...and as I type this nearly four years later, I'm happy to say that all of the happily-doubling HCG turned out well.  Baby Spud made his way into the world at 39 weeks, 6 days - one day shy of his eviction notice.  An 8-lb, 8-oz little man, he's now a vivacious 3-year-old - the kid who fills our world  with joy, exhaustion and fear simultaneously.  Spud takes the world by its horns and is never afraid to let us know his thoughts on it.  Bug is now a sweet, shy and sensitive 6-year-old.  It's still hard to believe that our original 8-cell embryo is a first grader who loves running around, playing with his brother, reading up on the Titanic and exploring the world.

We still have a frozen embryo at Olive, the other blastocyst that was frozen during Josh's cycle.  I'm not so keen on going through pregnancy again...and yet I just can't bear to make a decision on it.  So every year, we pay the $300 fee to keep the hope there for another year.

Every shot, every blood draw and vial of medicine...it was worth it.  These little boys are our life.

This blog is for you, my little 8-cell embryo and blastocyst.

Photos by Eden Bao Photography.

6W 5D: A week of updates

I haven't had the energy to update the blog over the past week.  It's been a whirlwind.

I began bleeding again on Friday.  Because it was the weekend, I decided to make a requisite ER visit.  The hospital website said that our local hospital had a 4-hr ER wait, so we trudged downtown for the 1-hr wait at St. Paul's instead.  The triage nurse informed us upon arrival that the website was never correct.

Daddy, Bug and I waited 2 hours to see a doc, followed by another 1.5 hours awaiting bloodwork.  Unfortunately the ultrasound techs weren't in, but my other tests demonstrated a continued viable pregnancy.  After watching the clientele change from morose elderly women to junkies as the evening wore on - and Bug being recipient of a very large rubber dinosaur another patient had been keeping in her purse - we went home at 2 AM cautiously optimistic.

After a 7:30 AM wake-up call from the hospital, I was back at 9 AM the next morning for my ultrasound.  Lo and behold, I have a Sub Chorionic Hemorrhage causing the bleeding.  No bedrest or less activity is necessary, and they expect the bleeding to subside with time.  My guess, if I can make one, is that the SCH was caused by a vanishing twin, which would also explain the heavy bleeding last Monday.

The u/s was more definitive than the previous tests.  The gestational sac is in the right location - no ectopic, yay! - and the embryo was visible.  It's measuring on-time and with a solid heartbeat.  All wonderful news for 6 weeks even.

My first official ultrasound at Dr. Y's office Monday confirmed the results.  One embryo, with a rising heartbeat (105 at 6W, 115 at 6W2D), and a size that doubled in two days.  I'm glad to have had some good news.

While I was at Dr. Y's office, we also ran my TSH numbers.  It was pretty frustrating.  My TSH is out of the normal range for early pregnancy (3.39), but Dr. Y feels that the number is invalid because we tested too frequently.  Never mind that the number is out of range, and that it's well known both that hypothyroid patients generally need synthroid increases during the first trimester, and that higher numbers lead to a much higher risk of miscarriage.  Normal T4 numbers are between 1-2.5, which is where my numbers had been falling until 2 weeks ago.  Never mind.  He wasn't willing to up my synthroid dose.  Thankfully my GP was, and we've increased the dosage from 62.5 mcg to 75 mcg accordingly.  This is up from 38.5 pre- November IVF cycle.  Wow!

In other news, my symptoms have been intensifying.  I feel like crap.  With Bug, I had minor and very occasional morning sickness.  With this pregnancy, I've had it on a daily - and practically suffocating - basis.  The cravings are intense, and I alternate between craving food and never wanting to touch it again.  My energy is in the toilet, and I spend as much time as possible laying flat in bed.  It's so far proving to be a more exhausting pregnancy than Bug's was, although it's possible that having a toddler while pregnant is partially to blame.

My stomach started rounding a few days ago...thankfully the left over Bug stomach keeps it hidden unless I suck it in.  I'm hoping to share the news on Mother's Day.  7 weeks to go. 

5w4d: Beta #4

Beta #4: 22,097

Still pregnant.  Cleared to first ultrasound on Monday.

Go figure.

5w2d: Bleeding

Bleeding.  <groan>  It's not how I intended today to go.  I'd been cautiously optimistic that everything with this pregnancy would go fine, that my bizarre gush of blood was the end of red.

I woke up to another gush.

I had the HCG test already scheduled, so we headed into the city.  My light cramps were still there, only negated by the low-dose aspirin I'm taking as part of the fertility treatment.

The phlebotomist nearly killed my arm, and decided that one puncture wound on the right just wasn't enough.  She missed the vein and had to puncture the left as well.

Have I mentioned that I really don't like this phlebotomist's blood-drawing touch?

I spoke to the nurse about my concerns over the bleeding, and they agreed that a Rhogam shot to combat my Rh-negative blood was the best option.  Unfortunately, as a blood product, Rhogam shots are only maintained at the blood bank at Women's Hospital.

We drove over to Women's.  By this point, my husband had called in late for work and Bug wasn't happy at having been woken up so darn early.  Yesterday was spring ahead.

We got to Women's, and I was bleeding.  Not just a little spotting, nor a gush.  Full-on, period-like bleeding.  Heavy at times, some clotting, all that jazz.

I was in tears by the time we got back to Olive for the Rhogam shot.  Not because of the shot...and anyway, after my blood draw puncture wounds, an intra-muscular injection is nothing.

Because of the pregnancy I was losing, the child I would never meet.  We spoke at length to Alyson to see where we'd go, and set up a follow-up appointment with Dr. Yuzpe to figure out where to go from here.  At the very least, Alyson assured me that she'd call with today's HCG results.

I went home and cried.  I called my mom, and we cried together.  She can relate; she went through a 2nd trimester miscarriage when I was 7.  The difference was that she didn't need fertility treatment to get pregnant.  Nonetheless, the pain and sense of loss are the same.

I realized just how darn lonely I feel.  How moving to a new place while transitioning to be a stay-at-home mom was not a good antidote for loneliness and confidence.  How I want to be able to call up friends to share it, but realize that many of my friendships here are too precious and new...and how everyone is so busy with their own lives, I'm scared of troubling them with my own sadness.  I feel so damn alone.

I consoled myself with a soda, chips and a Subway Club from the local Subway.  It was my favourite type of sandwich growing up.  I can't remember the last time I had one.  Cold cuts are a no-no in pregnancy.  I gave up soda last year, except for once in a blue moon.  The last time I remember having one?  The morning after I learned that my IVF cycle failed.  I haven't dreamed of touching chips since I started this FET cycle; too many carbs for a pre-diabetic girl.

The food didn't taste very good.  Even though I'd skipped breakfast and lunch by this point.

Alyson called with the results as Ben's sitter was getting ready to leave.  I already knew the results, so figured I should steel myself for the reality of a lost pregnancy.

HCG 24 days post ovulation: 15,868

Huh?

Not quite doubling in the 60 hours since my last test, but pretty darn close.  It should be doubling every 4 days now, after doubling every 2-3 days the first few weeks.

I'm still pregnant.  The bleeding is subsiding, but still there.  Alyson said that she's never had a patient with still doubling HCG numbers who is also bleeding heavily.  As for now, the only thing they can say is that I'm currently pregnant.

I go back Wednesday for my next HCG blood draw.  Steeling myself for bad news after that appointment...even though I've been told to be cautiously optimistic.

It's tough.  I've shed too many tears today.

Bug is asking for his hair to be put into a ponytail.  Life with a toddler goes on, miscarriage or not.

5 weeks (recalculated), spotting and a new beta

So it turns out my numbers were a little off.  My weekly anniversary falls on a Saturday, not a Friday.  Yesterday marked 5 weeks.  This means that our little blastocyst is the result of a Valentine's Day date, and if all goes well, has an EDD the same as its mother and grandmother, November 7th.

...but anyway.  That's a long way off.  After taking Bug for a haircut and drop-in session on Friday, we came back so that I could attempt to make that low-carb pizza recipe I posted here a few days ago.  Bleh, but that's another matter.  I went to the bathroom, and lo-and-behold, there was a gush of blood.  Seriously?  I was also getting light cramps, not unlike what I've felt previously.  I asked my husband to come home and called the doctor's office.

I had bleeding with Bug's pregnancy that landed me on modified bed rest at 28 weeks.  It wasn't as early on, however.  I was lucky to avoid 1st trimester bleeds in their entirety with him.

The sign of a good RE is when they're immediately available for emergencies, I've come to realize.  My RE's office immediately patched me through to my nurse, Alyson.  She said that it could be normal or the sign of an early miscarriage.  Because it's still early on, unfortunately the best way to determine what's going on would be an additional HCG draw.  Could I come in today?  I packed up my wild banshee, who was refusing to wear more than a diaper by this point, and we were at the clinic within 30 minutes.  Blood drawn, in & out, and Alyson called w/ the results an hour later.

My beta was now 8500, a 5-fold increase from Monday, and more than in line with what they were hoping to see.  My HCG is doubling at 45 hours, under the 48-72 they generally see.  Interestingly enough, the beta is not increasing as fast as it did with Bug but is still running at a higher number (and the doubling does slow down at about my levels).

So the good news is that, as of Friday, I hadn't had a miscarriage.  The more unclear news is that we don't know if the bleeding was/is the start of one.  I go back in tomorrow for my weekly HCG reading, which will give us a better sense of what's going on.

I put myself on modified bed rest for the rest of the day.  Interestingly enough, the gush pretty much stopped with that one instance.  I had fading spotting (and fading cramps) the rest of the day.  On Saturday, I literally had a drop or two of red spotting (and cramping) before some light peach spotting  and disappearing cramps through the rest of the day.  Interestingly enough, it occurred at almost the same time both days.

I'm trying to keep my mind busy and distracted as much as possible.  We had a friend's birthday party yesterday, and along the way, the car picked up a completely flat tire while getting off the highway.  We were able to make it to a car dealer, who switched us to the spare, and spent the rest of the day post-birthday-party at Costco awaiting a tire fix on our road hazard warranty.

Unfortunately, I fell in love with jalapeño poppers while we were there.  Darn Costco free samples.  We came home with a big box that happily became my dinner.  They tasted great, but my digestive track has apparently had other thoughts.  I woke up in the middle of the night w/ morning sickness and can still feel the poppers moving through my system.  And we naturally have 1.3 kilos left of them.

Happy Sunday, I hope.

5 weeks and the 2s

My next beta blood draw is Monday; I'm halfway there.  I used my second Clearblue Digital this morning, and it's showing that my HCG has increased.  I used an ovulation test strip yesterday afternoon - I was desperate and realized we didn't have any cheap pregnancy tests on hand - and the test line came up darker and more quickly than the control line did.  We'll find out how much my HCG has increased on Monday.

I went in yesterday for a TSH check-up as well as for measles, mumps and rubella titres.  Bug spent most of the time we waited for the phlebotomist serenaded the waiting room with his versions of the alphabet song, Oh Canada and Apples & Bananas.

I'm feeling exhausted right now.  The queasiness has somewhat abated, but the exhaustion has set in full force.  My brain is pretty foggy and clueless, and my concentration has gone out the window.  I definitely feel off.

It's making for interesting down time.  Since Bug has become obsessively interested in all things digital, I've limited my own screen time as much as I can.  We put the cable boxes away, and my husband uses parental controls on our computer so that I have limited access to it (at my request!).  Any down time that I had after cleaning was filled with reading, yoga DVDs and hot baths.  I can't concentrate, have no energy...and hot baths aren't recommended during pregnancy.  I've taken to reading magazines and newspapers, cleaning more, and banging around on my ukulele.  I'm also thinking of pulling down the sewing machine to try to make a new quilt...but with my pregnancy-induced stupor, am not sure that sharp needles and cutters are the brightest idea.

Of course, wouldn't it be appropriate that the day I get a positive beta was the day my son would hit the 2s (despite being nearly 2.5, that is)?  Over the past wee, he's developed into a full-fledged toddler with a complete mind of his own.  When he can't do what he wants (such as skipping preschool, going barefoot to school, skipping breakfast, wearing pajamas and a dirty diaper all day, throwing rocks, running around at snack time), the screams and hysteria start.  Utter meltdowns at the drop of a hat.

He got two time-outs in preschool yesterday, and was also reprimanded for refusing to wear shoes to class.  When I picked him up earlier in the week, he was in the middle of a different time-out.  This time for throwing rocks.

I'm slowly re-learning how to hold him so that his inevitable flailing kicks are far from my mid-section.  I have to admit, though, that having a kid in the 2s at home is not helping my exhaustion...

Low-carb recipes

A random post for me to store low-carb recipes...in honour of the impending gestational diabetes on my horizon:

Pizza:  http://www.domesticate-me.com/cauliflower-pizza-crust-with-roasted-vegetables-and-goat-cheese/